Arthur Thacker
2003-06-23 12:40:34 UTC
...knew about Chelsea FC.
1. The chairman of Chelsea, Sir Ken Bates, is a farty beardy little cunt who
knows nothing about football. An avid fan of American author Ernest
Hemingway, he is a PhD graduate of the University of Phoenix, Arizona, who
only acquired an interest in Chelsea Football Club because he wanted to
spoil it for the fans and become very very rich. He also has a third nostril
which is next to his arsehole so that he can smell how sweet his own shit
is.
2. When Chelsea director Oscar Wilding died in a dubious, and very
convenient, helicopter crash a few years ago, it had nothing to do with Ken
Bates. At all. The fact that he benefitted immensely because it scuppered
Wilding's plans to wrest control of the club from him, it had nothing
whatsoever to do with Bates.
3. Chelsea reached their first FA Cup Final in 1915, just after the outbreak
of World War One, against Sheffield United. Known as the "Khaki Final",
because so many servicemen were at the game, Chelsea were shit and Sheffield
United won 3-0. Many blamed their poor display on the fact that they were
scared, being cowardly Cockney bastards, of being called up and asked to
fight in the coming global conflict.
4. Chelsea used to be known as "The Pensioners", after the sad and pissy old
cunts, the Chelsea Pensioners, a grup of ex-servicemen who did fight in wars
and got dumped in nursing homes near to Stamford Bridge. If any of these
pensioners didn't attend every Chelsea game, they would be put out onto the
streets to starve or beg. Probably.
5. In the mid-sixties, in an attempt to somehow update the club's image,
drunken Scottish Alex Ferguson clone and slapper-wived manager Sir Tommy
Docherty decided to change the nickname from "The Pensioners" to "The
Blues". Birmingham City objected, on the grounds that they were already
called "The Blues", as did Cardiff City and several other clubs what played
in blue. Another strong objection came from Muddy Waters, who had recently
played the Chelsea Odeon and recorded his classic track, 'Monday Mornin'
Came The Blues'. But they told him to fuck off because he was an ignorant
blind igger.
6. Or was that Ray Charles?
7. Chelsea can claim to be the club that invented football hooliganism. As
long ago as 1902, chairman Henry Rudgewick, noticing that some home fans
were throwing sharpened gold sovereigns at opposition players, decided to
invent the terms "Hooligan", "Yob", "Animal" and "Trouble-making bastard".
He then patented Football Hooliganism in an effort to keep it as a
Chelsea-only concern. However, his plans were scuppered when Manchester
United and Leeds fans went on pres-season tours of Europe and got banned.
Chelsea still hold the rights to Football Hooliganism, and even now they
receive handsome payments each time there is trouble at a football match all
around the world.
8. Chelsea's Stamford Bridge ground isn't in the London district of Chelsea
at all. It is, in fact, in Fulham. But nobody gives a fuck.
9. Chelsea FC's trend for signing foreign players goes back a lot longer
than you might realise. The first foreign player to sign for Chelsea was a
certain Stanley Floyd Hasselbaink (no relation), as early as 1887. A black
merchant seaman (no relation), he jumped ship one night at Rotherhithe docks
and signed professional forms with The Blues (no relation), then went on to
play 256 games at centre forward, scoring no fewer than 678 goals. Sadly, he
died a few years later in a helicopter crash that Ken Bates's grandad had
nothing to do with.
10. Seventies Chelsea winger and League Cup Final penalty-misser slaphead
Clive Walker was once charged with having exposed himself to a pair of
pre-pubescent schoolgirls. This he refuted, saying that it was Graham Rix
and not him, honest. Walker, who went on to expose himself at Sunderland,
Stoke and several other first division clubs, still plays football in the
Southern League at the age of 45. He has a credit card and uses it regularly
on the Internet.
1. The chairman of Chelsea, Sir Ken Bates, is a farty beardy little cunt who
knows nothing about football. An avid fan of American author Ernest
Hemingway, he is a PhD graduate of the University of Phoenix, Arizona, who
only acquired an interest in Chelsea Football Club because he wanted to
spoil it for the fans and become very very rich. He also has a third nostril
which is next to his arsehole so that he can smell how sweet his own shit
is.
2. When Chelsea director Oscar Wilding died in a dubious, and very
convenient, helicopter crash a few years ago, it had nothing to do with Ken
Bates. At all. The fact that he benefitted immensely because it scuppered
Wilding's plans to wrest control of the club from him, it had nothing
whatsoever to do with Bates.
3. Chelsea reached their first FA Cup Final in 1915, just after the outbreak
of World War One, against Sheffield United. Known as the "Khaki Final",
because so many servicemen were at the game, Chelsea were shit and Sheffield
United won 3-0. Many blamed their poor display on the fact that they were
scared, being cowardly Cockney bastards, of being called up and asked to
fight in the coming global conflict.
4. Chelsea used to be known as "The Pensioners", after the sad and pissy old
cunts, the Chelsea Pensioners, a grup of ex-servicemen who did fight in wars
and got dumped in nursing homes near to Stamford Bridge. If any of these
pensioners didn't attend every Chelsea game, they would be put out onto the
streets to starve or beg. Probably.
5. In the mid-sixties, in an attempt to somehow update the club's image,
drunken Scottish Alex Ferguson clone and slapper-wived manager Sir Tommy
Docherty decided to change the nickname from "The Pensioners" to "The
Blues". Birmingham City objected, on the grounds that they were already
called "The Blues", as did Cardiff City and several other clubs what played
in blue. Another strong objection came from Muddy Waters, who had recently
played the Chelsea Odeon and recorded his classic track, 'Monday Mornin'
Came The Blues'. But they told him to fuck off because he was an ignorant
blind igger.
6. Or was that Ray Charles?
7. Chelsea can claim to be the club that invented football hooliganism. As
long ago as 1902, chairman Henry Rudgewick, noticing that some home fans
were throwing sharpened gold sovereigns at opposition players, decided to
invent the terms "Hooligan", "Yob", "Animal" and "Trouble-making bastard".
He then patented Football Hooliganism in an effort to keep it as a
Chelsea-only concern. However, his plans were scuppered when Manchester
United and Leeds fans went on pres-season tours of Europe and got banned.
Chelsea still hold the rights to Football Hooliganism, and even now they
receive handsome payments each time there is trouble at a football match all
around the world.
8. Chelsea's Stamford Bridge ground isn't in the London district of Chelsea
at all. It is, in fact, in Fulham. But nobody gives a fuck.
9. Chelsea FC's trend for signing foreign players goes back a lot longer
than you might realise. The first foreign player to sign for Chelsea was a
certain Stanley Floyd Hasselbaink (no relation), as early as 1887. A black
merchant seaman (no relation), he jumped ship one night at Rotherhithe docks
and signed professional forms with The Blues (no relation), then went on to
play 256 games at centre forward, scoring no fewer than 678 goals. Sadly, he
died a few years later in a helicopter crash that Ken Bates's grandad had
nothing to do with.
10. Seventies Chelsea winger and League Cup Final penalty-misser slaphead
Clive Walker was once charged with having exposed himself to a pair of
pre-pubescent schoolgirls. This he refuted, saying that it was Graham Rix
and not him, honest. Walker, who went on to expose himself at Sunderland,
Stoke and several other first division clubs, still plays football in the
Southern League at the age of 45. He has a credit card and uses it regularly
on the Internet.